Title: Jokes
Description: Post jokes here
Description: Post jokes here
Fear - March 6, 2006 02:29 AM (GMT)
A Wild Horse Ride
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and
the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a
steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the
saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get
a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck,
but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away
from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is
now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves. As her head is struck
against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the
ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great
fortune... Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
Tossing The Coin
A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly
true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall,
stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of
inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the
coin and marking the answer sheet true for heads and false for tails.
Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is
still working furiously.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin,
swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks
what is happening.
I finished the exam in a half hour, she replies. And as I have more time
left, I'm rechecking my answers.
Stuck On An Island
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For years,
they live there, and one day they find a magic lamp. They rub it, and
sure enough, out comes a genie. The genie says since I can only give
out 3 wishes, you may each have one So the brunette goes first, I have
been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life,
I just want to go home. POOF, she is gone. The redhead makes her wish,
This place is horrible, I want to go home too. POOF, she is gone. The
blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, What is the matter?
The blonde said, I wish my friends were here.
Jokes For Blondes
There is a blonde, a redhead and a brunette
on the stairway to heaven. God says, "There
are 3,000 steps and I'll tell you a joke on
each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh
you go to hell." So they start walking and
reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells
a joke, the brunette laughs and goes to hell.
Then on the 2,000th step God tells a joke,
the redhead laughs and goes to hell. On
the 3,000th step God tells a joke, the
blonde doesn't laugh and proceeds to the
gate. Suddenly, she bursts out laughing.
God asks, "what are you laughing about?",
so she replies, "I just got the first joke!".
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and
the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a
steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the
saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get
a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck,
but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away
from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is
now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves. As her head is struck
against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the
ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great
fortune... Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
Tossing The Coin
A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly
true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall,
stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of
inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the
coin and marking the answer sheet true for heads and false for tails.
Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is
still working furiously.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin,
swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks
what is happening.
I finished the exam in a half hour, she replies. And as I have more time
left, I'm rechecking my answers.
Stuck On An Island
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. For years,
they live there, and one day they find a magic lamp. They rub it, and
sure enough, out comes a genie. The genie says since I can only give
out 3 wishes, you may each have one So the brunette goes first, I have
been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life,
I just want to go home. POOF, she is gone. The redhead makes her wish,
This place is horrible, I want to go home too. POOF, she is gone. The
blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, What is the matter?
The blonde said, I wish my friends were here.
Jokes For Blondes
There is a blonde, a redhead and a brunette
on the stairway to heaven. God says, "There
are 3,000 steps and I'll tell you a joke on
each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh
you go to hell." So they start walking and
reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells
a joke, the brunette laughs and goes to hell.
Then on the 2,000th step God tells a joke,
the redhead laughs and goes to hell. On
the 3,000th step God tells a joke, the
blonde doesn't laugh and proceeds to the
gate. Suddenly, she bursts out laughing.
God asks, "what are you laughing about?",
so she replies, "I just got the first joke!".
GutterClown - March 6, 2006 04:13 AM (GMT)
Topic Pinned.
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She
rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law
lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home
from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the
mother-in-law
exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked !"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to
no end. Everytime he sees me in this dress ! , he instantly becomes
romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on
her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on
the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came
home.
He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you
doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner ?"
people from Newfoundland are referred to as Newfies ....
Two Newfies , Ned 'n Jarge , decided they aren't going anywhere in life and
think they should go to college to get ahead .
Ned goes in first , and the professor advises him to take math , history ,
and logic.
" What's logic? " asked Ned.
The professor answers , " Let me give you an example .
Do you own a weed-eater?
" I sure do ," answers the Newfie .
" Then I can assume , using logic , that you have a yard , " replies the
professor .
" That's real good ." The Newfie responds in awe .
The professor continues , " Logic will also tell me that since you have a
yard you also have a house ."
Impressed , the Newfie shouts , " Darned tootin !! "
" And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by
yourself logic dictates that you have a wife ."
" HOLY SHIT!! This is incredible !! " Ned exclaims .
Finally , since you have a wife , logically I can assume that you are
heterosexual rather than homosexual ," says the professor .
" Lord thunderin Jesus . You're right on bye ! Why dat's the most
fascinatin' ting I ever heard of .
I caint wait to take dis ' ere logic class ."
Ned , right proud of the new world opening up to him , walks back into the
hallway where Jarge is still waiting .
" So what classes are ya takin ? " asks Jarge .
" Math , history , and logic . " replies Ned .
" What da 'ell is logic ? " asks Jarge ?
" Let me give you an example . Do ya own a weed-eater ? "
" No ." answers Jarge .
" You're a queer , h'ain't ya ? "'
90. Removed (Racist)
89. Q: What do you call 10,000 Mexicans at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
88. Q: What do you call a car with 2 Mexicans in the front and three Puerto Ricans in the trunk thats going off a cliff?
A: A damn shame... you could have fit four more in the trunk.
87. Q: What did the Mexican kid down the street get for christmas?
A: My bike.
86. Q: Why can't Christ walk on water?
A: Holes in his feet.
85. Q: Did you hear about the faget that got fired from the sperm bank?
A: He was caught drinking on the job.
84. Q: How do you know if a Redneck is a bad father?
A: He lets his 12 year old smoke in front of their kids
83. Q: How many men does it take to change the kitchen light bulb?
A: None, let the bitch cook in the dark
82. Q: How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
A: None. It should be open when the woman brings it to him
81. Q: How do you stop Superman from moving?
A: Tape his mouth shut.
80. Q: What's yellow and goes, "cheep cheep"?
A: A Chinese prostitute.
79. Q: How do you make a lump of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.
78. Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
77. Q: Why is a necrophiliac like a grave digger?
A: They both dig dead people's holes
76. The abbreviations for Princess Diana and Dodi:
DODI = Died On Dashboard Impact
DIANA = Died In A Nasty Accident
75. Q: Why should you put a baby in a blender feet first ?
A: So you can watch it's expression change.
74. Q: What's small, red, and can't turn corners?
A: A baby with a javelin through its head.
73. Q: What is pink, red and silver and bumps into walls?
A: A baby with forks in it's eyes
72. Q: What's the bad news about being a test tube baby?
A: You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.
71. Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A: It changes their blood type.
70. Q: What do you call a redneck who doesn't fuck his sister?
A: An only child.
69. Q: Why is a laundry mat a bad place for a guy to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
68. Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?
A: Because they can.
67. Q: What is the difference between Prince Charles and OJ Simpson?
A: Prince Charles' (ex)wife was killed by a white man in a black car.
66. Q: How do you know if your roommate is gay?
A: His dick tastes like shit.
65. Q: What's sicker than driving over a baby?
A: Skidding
Q: What's even sicker?
A: Picking it out of the tires
64. Q: What's black and blue and smokes in the corner?
A: A baby chewing on an extension cord.
63. Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?
A: Kick his sister in the chin.
62. Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?
A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her.
61. Q: What does a def, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas.
A: Cancer.
60. Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded.
59. Q: What is the difference between a paedophile and acne ?
A: Acne waits until your 12 before it comes on your face.
58. Q: What is the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
A: You cant gargle sand.
57. Q: What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ?
A: Crib death.
56. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy
55. Q : What do you do after raping a deaf, dumb and blind girl?
A : Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.
54. Q: What's the worst thing about eating vegetables?
A: Putting them back in the wheelchair when you're done.
53. Q: Why is anal sex better then normal sex?
A: It's warm, it's tight and more degrading to women.
52. Q: Why didn't Superman rescue Princess Diana from the clutches of death?
A: Because he's in a wheelchair.
51. Q: What's black and blue and hates sex?
A: A rape victim.
50. Q: What's the worst part about fucking a 5 year old?
A: Getting the blood off of your clown costume....
49. Q: What do you call 5 lepers in a hot-tub?
A: Stew.
48. Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
A: The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
47. Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blow-job?
A: You know she'll swallow.
46. Q: What would Princess Diana be doing if she were alive today?
A: Clawing at the lid of her coffin.
45. Q: Why do the Scottish wear kilts?
A: Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away.
44. Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?
A: They don't fucking listen.
43. Q: Why do women have breasts?
A: So men will know to whom to pay the lower salaries.
42. Q: What has 69 balls and screws old women?
A: Keno.
41. Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn't matter. It's not going to come to you anyway.
40. Q: What's the first thing a redneck says after losing her virginity?
A: Get off of me Dad, you're crushing my cigarettes.
39. Q: What's black and has 23 tits?
A: The garbage bag outside of a cancer clinic.
38. Q: What's the worst thing about a lung transplant?
A: Coughing up someone else's phlegm.
37. Q: What does Superman eat for breakfast?
A: Kryptonite, by the looks of him.
36. Q: What do you do with a one legged dog?
A: Take it for a drag.
35. Q: What is the difference between pussy and apple pie?
A: It's ok to eat your Mom's apple pie.
34. Q: What do fat people do in the summertime?
A: Stink
33. Q: How do you know when a redneck has her period?
A: She's only wearing one sock.
32. Q: What do you say to a woman with no arms or legs?
A: 'Nice tits'
31. Q: How do you punish a leper?
A: Make them do jumping jacks till something falls off.
30. Q: What do you call an Ethiopian on a hunger strike?
A: Ethiopian
29. Q: What's the difference between a bag-lady and a hockey player?
A: A hockey player changes his pads after every three periods.
28. Q: What did the pedophile say when he was released from prison?
A: "I feel like a kid again."
27. Q: What's better than 2 x 18 year olds in bed?
A: 18 x 2 year olds.
26. Q: What's the worst part about fucking a 3 year old?
A: Hearing her pelvis crack.
25. Q: What's the best part about raping a 6 year old in the ass?
A: Watching her breakdown and cry on the witness stand.
24. Q: How do you make a baby cry twice?
A: Wipe your bloody cock on his teddy bear
23. Q: What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
A: A baby in a microwave.
22. Q: How do you stop a baby from choking?
A: Take your dick out of its mouth.
21. Q: What's blue and orange and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool?
A: A baby with burst armbands.
20. Q: What's the difference between a baby and a grandmother?
A: Grandmothers don't die when you fuck them in the ass
19. Q: What's funnier than a dead baby?
A: A dead baby sitting next to a kid with down syndrome.
18. Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and an onion.
A: You don't cry when you chop up a dead baby.
17. Q: What's grosser than gross?
A: A garbage can full of dead babies.
Q: What's grosser than that?
A: The one at the bottom is still alive.
Q: What's grosser than that?
A: He has to eat his way to freedom.
Q: What's grosser than that?
A: He goes back for more.
16. Q: Why did the Baby fall out of the Tree?
A: Because he was DEAD!
15. Q: What's Superman's new weakness?
A: Everything.
14. Q: What's the title Christopher Reeves' next movie?
A: Superman Gets a Good Parking Spot.
13. Q: What do paedophiles and turtles have in common?
A: They both want to get there before the hare!
12. Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: Well aren't all kitchen appliances that colour?
11. Q: What do you call two lesbians with their period?
A: Finger painting.
10. Q: How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A: If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
9. Q: What's the best thing about a blow job?
A: Ten minutes of silence!
8. Q: Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A: Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.
7. Q: Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A: It doesn't need cleaning.
6. Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.
5. Q: Why do women have small feet?
A: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
4. Q: What's the difference between love and herpes?
A: Love doesn't last forever.
3. Q: What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
2. Q: What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A: Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
1. Q: What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A: A bellybutton.
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She
rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law
lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home
from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the
mother-in-law
exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked !"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to
no end. Everytime he sees me in this dress ! , he instantly becomes
romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on
her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on
the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came
home.
He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you
doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner ?"
people from Newfoundland are referred to as Newfies ....
Two Newfies , Ned 'n Jarge , decided they aren't going anywhere in life and
think they should go to college to get ahead .
Ned goes in first , and the professor advises him to take math , history ,
and logic.
" What's logic? " asked Ned.
The professor answers , " Let me give you an example .
Do you own a weed-eater?
" I sure do ," answers the Newfie .
" Then I can assume , using logic , that you have a yard , " replies the
professor .
" That's real good ." The Newfie responds in awe .
The professor continues , " Logic will also tell me that since you have a
yard you also have a house ."
Impressed , the Newfie shouts , " Darned tootin !! "
" And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by
yourself logic dictates that you have a wife ."
" HOLY SHIT!! This is incredible !! " Ned exclaims .
Finally , since you have a wife , logically I can assume that you are
heterosexual rather than homosexual ," says the professor .
" Lord thunderin Jesus . You're right on bye ! Why dat's the most
fascinatin' ting I ever heard of .
I caint wait to take dis ' ere logic class ."
Ned , right proud of the new world opening up to him , walks back into the
hallway where Jarge is still waiting .
" So what classes are ya takin ? " asks Jarge .
" Math , history , and logic . " replies Ned .
" What da 'ell is logic ? " asks Jarge ?
" Let me give you an example . Do ya own a weed-eater ? "
" No ." answers Jarge .
" You're a queer , h'ain't ya ? "'
90. Removed (Racist)
89. Q: What do you call 10,000 Mexicans at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
88. Q: What do you call a car with 2 Mexicans in the front and three Puerto Ricans in the trunk thats going off a cliff?
A: A damn shame... you could have fit four more in the trunk.
87. Q: What did the Mexican kid down the street get for christmas?
A: My bike.
86. Q: Why can't Christ walk on water?
A: Holes in his feet.
85. Q: Did you hear about the faget that got fired from the sperm bank?
A: He was caught drinking on the job.
84. Q: How do you know if a Redneck is a bad father?
A: He lets his 12 year old smoke in front of their kids
83. Q: How many men does it take to change the kitchen light bulb?
A: None, let the bitch cook in the dark
82. Q: How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
A: None. It should be open when the woman brings it to him
81. Q: How do you stop Superman from moving?
A: Tape his mouth shut.
80. Q: What's yellow and goes, "cheep cheep"?
A: A Chinese prostitute.
79. Q: How do you make a lump of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.
78. Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
77. Q: Why is a necrophiliac like a grave digger?
A: They both dig dead people's holes
76. The abbreviations for Princess Diana and Dodi:
DODI = Died On Dashboard Impact
DIANA = Died In A Nasty Accident
75. Q: Why should you put a baby in a blender feet first ?
A: So you can watch it's expression change.
74. Q: What's small, red, and can't turn corners?
A: A baby with a javelin through its head.
73. Q: What is pink, red and silver and bumps into walls?
A: A baby with forks in it's eyes
72. Q: What's the bad news about being a test tube baby?
A: You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.
71. Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A: It changes their blood type.
70. Q: What do you call a redneck who doesn't fuck his sister?
A: An only child.
69. Q: Why is a laundry mat a bad place for a guy to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
68. Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?
A: Because they can.
67. Q: What is the difference between Prince Charles and OJ Simpson?
A: Prince Charles' (ex)wife was killed by a white man in a black car.
66. Q: How do you know if your roommate is gay?
A: His dick tastes like shit.
65. Q: What's sicker than driving over a baby?
A: Skidding
Q: What's even sicker?
A: Picking it out of the tires
64. Q: What's black and blue and smokes in the corner?
A: A baby chewing on an extension cord.
63. Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?
A: Kick his sister in the chin.
62. Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?
A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her.
61. Q: What does a def, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas.
A: Cancer.
60. Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded.
59. Q: What is the difference between a paedophile and acne ?
A: Acne waits until your 12 before it comes on your face.
58. Q: What is the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
A: You cant gargle sand.
57. Q: What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ?
A: Crib death.
56. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy
55. Q : What do you do after raping a deaf, dumb and blind girl?
A : Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.
54. Q: What's the worst thing about eating vegetables?
A: Putting them back in the wheelchair when you're done.
53. Q: Why is anal sex better then normal sex?
A: It's warm, it's tight and more degrading to women.
52. Q: Why didn't Superman rescue Princess Diana from the clutches of death?
A: Because he's in a wheelchair.
51. Q: What's black and blue and hates sex?
A: A rape victim.
50. Q: What's the worst part about fucking a 5 year old?
A: Getting the blood off of your clown costume....
49. Q: What do you call 5 lepers in a hot-tub?
A: Stew.
48. Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
A: The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
47. Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blow-job?
A: You know she'll swallow.
46. Q: What would Princess Diana be doing if she were alive today?
A: Clawing at the lid of her coffin.
45. Q: Why do the Scottish wear kilts?
A: Because a sheep can hear a zipper from like a mile away.
44. Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?
A: They don't fucking listen.
43. Q: Why do women have breasts?
A: So men will know to whom to pay the lower salaries.
42. Q: What has 69 balls and screws old women?
A: Keno.
41. Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn't matter. It's not going to come to you anyway.
40. Q: What's the first thing a redneck says after losing her virginity?
A: Get off of me Dad, you're crushing my cigarettes.
39. Q: What's black and has 23 tits?
A: The garbage bag outside of a cancer clinic.
38. Q: What's the worst thing about a lung transplant?
A: Coughing up someone else's phlegm.
37. Q: What does Superman eat for breakfast?
A: Kryptonite, by the looks of him.
36. Q: What do you do with a one legged dog?
A: Take it for a drag.
35. Q: What is the difference between pussy and apple pie?
A: It's ok to eat your Mom's apple pie.
34. Q: What do fat people do in the summertime?
A: Stink
33. Q: How do you know when a redneck has her period?
A: She's only wearing one sock.
32. Q: What do you say to a woman with no arms or legs?
A: 'Nice tits'
31. Q: How do you punish a leper?
A: Make them do jumping jacks till something falls off.
30. Q: What do you call an Ethiopian on a hunger strike?
A: Ethiopian
29. Q: What's the difference between a bag-lady and a hockey player?
A: A hockey player changes his pads after every three periods.
28. Q: What did the pedophile say when he was released from prison?
A: "I feel like a kid again."
27. Q: What's better than 2 x 18 year olds in bed?
A: 18 x 2 year olds.
26. Q: What's the worst part about fucking a 3 year old?
A: Hearing her pelvis crack.
25. Q: What's the best part about raping a 6 year old in the ass?
A: Watching her breakdown and cry on the witness stand.
24. Q: How do you make a baby cry twice?
A: Wipe your bloody cock on his teddy bear
23. Q: What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
A: A baby in a microwave.
22. Q: How do you stop a baby from choking?
A: Take your dick out of its mouth.
21. Q: What's blue and orange and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool?
A: A baby with burst armbands.
20. Q: What's the difference between a baby and a grandmother?
A: Grandmothers don't die when you fuck them in the ass
19. Q: What's funnier than a dead baby?
A: A dead baby sitting next to a kid with down syndrome.
18. Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and an onion.
A: You don't cry when you chop up a dead baby.
17. Q: What's grosser than gross?
A: A garbage can full of dead babies.
Q: What's grosser than that?
A: The one at the bottom is still alive.
Q: What's grosser than that?
A: He has to eat his way to freedom.
Q: What's grosser than that?
A: He goes back for more.
16. Q: Why did the Baby fall out of the Tree?
A: Because he was DEAD!
15. Q: What's Superman's new weakness?
A: Everything.
14. Q: What's the title Christopher Reeves' next movie?
A: Superman Gets a Good Parking Spot.
13. Q: What do paedophiles and turtles have in common?
A: They both want to get there before the hare!
12. Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: Well aren't all kitchen appliances that colour?
11. Q: What do you call two lesbians with their period?
A: Finger painting.
10. Q: How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A: If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
9. Q: What's the best thing about a blow job?
A: Ten minutes of silence!
8. Q: Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
A: Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.
7. Q: Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A: It doesn't need cleaning.
6. Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.
5. Q: Why do women have small feet?
A: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
4. Q: What's the difference between love and herpes?
A: Love doesn't last forever.
3. Q: What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
2. Q: What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A: Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
1. Q: What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A: A bellybutton.
Zombie - March 6, 2006 10:13 AM (GMT)
lmao GC - possibly the post politically incorrect post ever made :lol:
DISORDER IN COURT
Here are some things that were actually said in court, word for word…
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: This “myasthenia gravis”- does it affect your memory?
A: Yes.
Q: In what way?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you’ve forgotten?
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: How old is your son- the one living with you?
A: 38 or 35, I cant remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: 45 years.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left. Is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception of your baby was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at the time?
Q: You say these steps go down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, do they go up also?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30pm.
Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table, wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: How about breathing?
A: No.
Q: So then is it possible that the patient was still alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible he could have been alive and practising law somewhere…
Q: What did the tissue samples taken from the victims vagina show?
A: There were traces of semen.
Q: Male semen?
A: That’s the only kind I know of.
DISORDER IN COURT
Here are some things that were actually said in court, word for word…
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: This “myasthenia gravis”- does it affect your memory?
A: Yes.
Q: In what way?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you’ve forgotten?
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: How old is your son- the one living with you?
A: 38 or 35, I cant remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: 45 years.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left. Is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception of your baby was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at the time?
Q: You say these steps go down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, do they go up also?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30pm.
Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table, wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: How about breathing?
A: No.
Q: So then is it possible that the patient was still alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible he could have been alive and practising law somewhere…
Q: What did the tissue samples taken from the victims vagina show?
A: There were traces of semen.
Q: Male semen?
A: That’s the only kind I know of.
kiz-the-psychotic - March 6, 2006 11:44 PM (GMT)
LMFAO, oh GC, number 14/16...
whats funnier than watching a dead baby falling out of a tree?
catching it with a shovel.
whats funnier than watching a dead baby falling out of a tree?
catching it with a shovel.
Grim ReaperXIII - March 7, 2006 12:09 AM (GMT)
I have myasthenia gravis, and it DOES NOT effect you memory...
kiz-the-psychotic - March 7, 2006 12:32 AM (GMT)
O.o *has not a f'ing clue what that is...*
what do you call a chav in a box? innit.
what do you call a chav boy n girl in a box? fucking innit.
what do a chav girl and a tortoise have in common? when there on there back there fucked.
what do you call a chav in a filing cabinet? sorted.
what do you call a chav in a box with a chain around it? safe.
what do you call a manc in a sugar pot? sweet.
how do you stop a chav from drowning? take your foot of his head.
what do you call a chav buried to his neck in sand? not enough sand.
what do you call a room full of chavs and machine gun? a good birthday idea.
geddon will get these, dont know if you americans will though... lol
ADDITION(Clown):
UrbanDictionary - 'chav'
UrbanDictionary - 'manc'
what do you call a chav in a box? innit.
what do you call a chav boy n girl in a box? fucking innit.
what do a chav girl and a tortoise have in common? when there on there back there fucked.
what do you call a chav in a filing cabinet? sorted.
what do you call a chav in a box with a chain around it? safe.
what do you call a manc in a sugar pot? sweet.
how do you stop a chav from drowning? take your foot of his head.
what do you call a chav buried to his neck in sand? not enough sand.
what do you call a room full of chavs and machine gun? a good birthday idea.
geddon will get these, dont know if you americans will though... lol
ADDITION(Clown):
UrbanDictionary - 'chav'
UrbanDictionary - 'manc'
GutterClown - March 7, 2006 02:27 AM (GMT)
See... The way I see it, I can't be funny without insulting SOMEONE, so I just try to even out the insults, So everyone gets a few :D
(If you get offended, Remember that You just laughed at someone else)
185. Q: What did God say to Jesus?
A: "I don't care if you are my son, drop that cross one more time, and you're out of the parade."
184. Q: Why can't Jesus play football?
A: He wears illegal headgear.
183. Q: What's the difference between Jesus Christ and an oil painting?
A: You only need one nail to hold up a picture.
182. Q: What did Jesus say when he was up on the cross?
A: "This was one Hell of a way to spend my Easter vacation."
181. Q: Why did Jesus cross the road?
A: Because he was nailed to the chicken!
180. Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.
179. Q: What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
A: They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!
178. Q: Why is sex like a game of bridge?
A: If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.
177. Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A: They are both used as substitute meat.
176. Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: One US leader.
175. Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday.
174. Q: What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
A: "Nice Dick!"
173. Q: What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A: 100 people who don't do dick.
172. Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
171. Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
A: Juan on Juan.
170. Q: What's the difference between a canoe and a jew?
A: A canoe tips.
169. Q: Why do Jewish men watch porno films backwards?
A: So they can watch the hooker give back the money.
168. Q: What do Etheopians and Yoko Ono have in common?
A: They both live off dead beetles.
167. Q: What's Osama bin Laden's favourite drink?
A: A Double Manhattan.
166. Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.
165. Q: In Iraq, when does a boy become a man?
A: When his diaper moves from his ass to his head.
164. Q: What's the difference between a Hobo and a Homo?
A: One has no friends, and the other has friends comming out of his ass.
163. Q: What happens when a Jew walks into a wall with a hard on?
A: He breaks his nose
162. Q: What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?
A: The PGA tour.
161. Q: Why are Mexican's eyes red after they have sex?
A: Mace.
160. Q: What do you get whan you dislocate a baby's jaw?
A: Deep Throat.
159. Q : Whats white and bobs up and down in a baby's cot?
A : A pedophile's ass.
158. Q: Whats so good about fucking an 8 year old girl?
A: Just turn her over and it's a little boy.
157. Q: What did the Jewish pedophile say to the little boy once he was in the car?
A: "Hey, go easy on the candy!"
156. Q: What do pedophiles like about halloween?
A: Free delivery.
155. Q: What's more fun than spinning a baby on clothes line?
A: Stopping it with a shovel.
154. Q: What's red and lies in all four corners of the room?
A: A baby that's been playing with a chain saw.
153. Q: Why do Jews have big noses?
A: Air is free.
152. Q: How do you spoil a baby?
A: Leave it out in the sun.
151. Q: What is grosser than gross?
A: Having a dream about chocolate pudding and then waking up with a spoon in your ass.
150. Q: Why did the Mexican, want to trade his wife for an outhouse?
A: The hole was smaller and it didn't stink as bad!
149. Q: Why do Mexicans always have tamales for Christmas dinner?
A: So they'll have something to unwrap!
148. Q: How do you start a mexican parade?
A: Roll a quarter down a street.
147. Q: Why are there no Mexicans on Star Trek?
A: They don't work in the future either.
146. Q: Why are there no Mexican Paratroopers?
A: It's against international law to throw trash out of a plane.
145. Q: What do you call a brick building full of mexicans?
A: Jail.
144. Q: What is the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a southern?
A: One starts with "Once upon a time" and the other is "y'all aint gonna believe this shit."
143. Q: Whats red, slimy, and crawls up a womans leg?
A: A homesick abortion
142. Q: What does Princess Diana and a bottle of French wine have in common?
A: They both came from France in a wooden box.
141. Q: What's the difference between a Mercedes and Princess Diana?
A: A Mercedes will easily reach 40.
140. Q: What's the difference between Mother Theresa and Diana?
A: About 5 days.
139. Q: What's the one thing that attracts Diana more than a wealthy Egyptian?
A: A solidly-built Pole.
138. Q: What do you give the princess who has everything?
A: A seatbelt and an airbag.
137. Q: Where does Princess Di stay when in Paris?
A: Any place she can crash.
136. Q: Why did the princess cross the road?
A: Because she wasn't wearing her seat belt.
135. Q: Whats the hardest part of a vegetable?
A: The wheelchair.
134. Q: What do you do when you see an epileptic having a bath?
A: Chuck in all your washing.
133. Q: How do you get a dead baby across the street?
A: Staple it to a chicken.
132. Q: How do you get all of the mexicans out of your neigborhood?
A: Hide all of the good cardboard boxes
131. Q: How do you make a black person nervous?
A: Take him to an auction
130. Q: How do you kill a West Indian?
A: Smash the toilet seat on his head while he's having a drink
129. Q: What do Puerto Ricans say during foreplay?
A: "If you scream bitch, I'll kill you"
128. Q: What is white, red, and peels itself?
A: A white guy trying to get a tan
127. Q: When can you spit a russian women in her face?
A: When her moustache is on fire.
126. Q: When is a Mexican allowed to carry a knife?
A: When its in his back
125. Q: What do you call a black priest?
A: Holy shit.
124. Q: What do you tell a black jew?
A: Get in the back of the oven!
123. Q: Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
A: Someone dropped a quarter
122. Q: How many jews can you fit into a car?
A: 6 million and 5 - 2 in the front, 3 in the back, 6 million in the ash tray.
121. Q: What do you get when an epileptic falls into a lettuce patch?
A: Seizure salad.
120. Q: How do you make your wife scream after sex for an hour?
A: Wipe your dick on the curtains
Q: How do you make your wife scream louder?
A: Fuck her in the ass and THEN wipe your dick on the curtains
119. Q: How many babies does it take to tile a roof?
A: Twenty if you slice them thin enough.
118. Q: What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid who got cancer for Xmas get for his birthday?
A: Nothing, he died.
117. Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
116. Q: How do you make a horse drink?
A: Put it in a blender
115. Q: What do you call a 300 pound woman?
A: Fat
114. Q: Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
A: They keep falling through the holes in his hands
113. Q: What do a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you've finished on the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box for the bone.
112. Q: How does a faget fake an orgasm?
A: Pour yogurt on his partners back.
111. Q: Two fagets were having sex and a fire started in their house, which one escaped first - the one on the bottom or the one on top?
A: The one on the bottom, cos he's shit was already packed.
110. Q: What do you call an Ethiopian taking a shit?
A: A show-off
109. Q: What is worse than 10 dead babies in a garbage can?
A: One dead baby in a ten garbage cans
108. Q: What is worse than a dead baby in a garbage can?
A: Ten dead babies in a garbage can
107. Q: What did Dodi say to his chaffeur?
A: "Do you want to come to Paris with me and Di?"
106. Q: Why did God invent lesbianism?
A: So feminists couldn't breed.
105. Q: What is the difference between Jews in Nazi Germany and school bullies after the outcasts' takeover?
A: The bullies deserve it!
104. Q: On the highway there are a dead rat and a dead school bully. What is the difference?
A: There are skid marks in front of the rat!
103. Q: What did Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold have in common with the Columbine cheerleaders?
A: They all made the jocks run faster!
102. Q: How do you get a leper out of a bath?
A: With a shovel.
101. Q: What do you call six wheelchairs on top of each other?
A: A vegetable rack.
100. Q: What's the difference between a lesbian and a Pringle?
A: One is a snack cracker, the other is a crack snacker.
99. Q: What's the difference between a mugger and a peeping Tom?
A: A mugger snatches watches
98. Q: Why would a guy give his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for her birthday? A: Because if she doesn't like the slippers she can go and fuck herself.
97. Q: What is the definition of disgusting?
A: Siamese twins joined by the mouth, and one throws up.
96. Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
A: His wife died.
95. Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
94. Q: What's the difference between E.T. and a Mexican?
A: E.T. got the message and went home.
93. Q: What do you do with a one legged dog?
A:Take it for a drag.
92. Q: How many L.A:P.D. police officers does it take to beat the hell out of a gang member?
A: None, he fell down.
91. Q: What does a redneck call safe sex?
A: Marking the sheep that kick.
(If you get offended, Remember that You just laughed at someone else)
185. Q: What did God say to Jesus?
A: "I don't care if you are my son, drop that cross one more time, and you're out of the parade."
184. Q: Why can't Jesus play football?
A: He wears illegal headgear.
183. Q: What's the difference between Jesus Christ and an oil painting?
A: You only need one nail to hold up a picture.
182. Q: What did Jesus say when he was up on the cross?
A: "This was one Hell of a way to spend my Easter vacation."
181. Q: Why did Jesus cross the road?
A: Because he was nailed to the chicken!
180. Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.
179. Q: What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
A: They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!
178. Q: Why is sex like a game of bridge?
A: If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.
177. Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A: They are both used as substitute meat.
176. Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: One US leader.
175. Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday.
174. Q: What two words will clear out a men's restroom?
A: "Nice Dick!"
173. Q: What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A: 100 people who don't do dick.
172. Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
171. Q: What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
A: Juan on Juan.
170. Q: What's the difference between a canoe and a jew?
A: A canoe tips.
169. Q: Why do Jewish men watch porno films backwards?
A: So they can watch the hooker give back the money.
168. Q: What do Etheopians and Yoko Ono have in common?
A: They both live off dead beetles.
167. Q: What's Osama bin Laden's favourite drink?
A: A Double Manhattan.
166. Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.
165. Q: In Iraq, when does a boy become a man?
A: When his diaper moves from his ass to his head.
164. Q: What's the difference between a Hobo and a Homo?
A: One has no friends, and the other has friends comming out of his ass.
163. Q: What happens when a Jew walks into a wall with a hard on?
A: He breaks his nose
162. Q: What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?
A: The PGA tour.
161. Q: Why are Mexican's eyes red after they have sex?
A: Mace.
160. Q: What do you get whan you dislocate a baby's jaw?
A: Deep Throat.
159. Q : Whats white and bobs up and down in a baby's cot?
A : A pedophile's ass.
158. Q: Whats so good about fucking an 8 year old girl?
A: Just turn her over and it's a little boy.
157. Q: What did the Jewish pedophile say to the little boy once he was in the car?
A: "Hey, go easy on the candy!"
156. Q: What do pedophiles like about halloween?
A: Free delivery.
155. Q: What's more fun than spinning a baby on clothes line?
A: Stopping it with a shovel.
154. Q: What's red and lies in all four corners of the room?
A: A baby that's been playing with a chain saw.
153. Q: Why do Jews have big noses?
A: Air is free.
152. Q: How do you spoil a baby?
A: Leave it out in the sun.
151. Q: What is grosser than gross?
A: Having a dream about chocolate pudding and then waking up with a spoon in your ass.
150. Q: Why did the Mexican, want to trade his wife for an outhouse?
A: The hole was smaller and it didn't stink as bad!
149. Q: Why do Mexicans always have tamales for Christmas dinner?
A: So they'll have something to unwrap!
148. Q: How do you start a mexican parade?
A: Roll a quarter down a street.
147. Q: Why are there no Mexicans on Star Trek?
A: They don't work in the future either.
146. Q: Why are there no Mexican Paratroopers?
A: It's against international law to throw trash out of a plane.
145. Q: What do you call a brick building full of mexicans?
A: Jail.
144. Q: What is the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a southern?
A: One starts with "Once upon a time" and the other is "y'all aint gonna believe this shit."
143. Q: Whats red, slimy, and crawls up a womans leg?
A: A homesick abortion
142. Q: What does Princess Diana and a bottle of French wine have in common?
A: They both came from France in a wooden box.
141. Q: What's the difference between a Mercedes and Princess Diana?
A: A Mercedes will easily reach 40.
140. Q: What's the difference between Mother Theresa and Diana?
A: About 5 days.
139. Q: What's the one thing that attracts Diana more than a wealthy Egyptian?
A: A solidly-built Pole.
138. Q: What do you give the princess who has everything?
A: A seatbelt and an airbag.
137. Q: Where does Princess Di stay when in Paris?
A: Any place she can crash.
136. Q: Why did the princess cross the road?
A: Because she wasn't wearing her seat belt.
135. Q: Whats the hardest part of a vegetable?
A: The wheelchair.
134. Q: What do you do when you see an epileptic having a bath?
A: Chuck in all your washing.
133. Q: How do you get a dead baby across the street?
A: Staple it to a chicken.
132. Q: How do you get all of the mexicans out of your neigborhood?
A: Hide all of the good cardboard boxes
131. Q: How do you make a black person nervous?
A: Take him to an auction
130. Q: How do you kill a West Indian?
A: Smash the toilet seat on his head while he's having a drink
129. Q: What do Puerto Ricans say during foreplay?
A: "If you scream bitch, I'll kill you"
128. Q: What is white, red, and peels itself?
A: A white guy trying to get a tan
127. Q: When can you spit a russian women in her face?
A: When her moustache is on fire.
126. Q: When is a Mexican allowed to carry a knife?
A: When its in his back
125. Q: What do you call a black priest?
A: Holy shit.
124. Q: What do you tell a black jew?
A: Get in the back of the oven!
123. Q: Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
A: Someone dropped a quarter
122. Q: How many jews can you fit into a car?
A: 6 million and 5 - 2 in the front, 3 in the back, 6 million in the ash tray.
121. Q: What do you get when an epileptic falls into a lettuce patch?
A: Seizure salad.
120. Q: How do you make your wife scream after sex for an hour?
A: Wipe your dick on the curtains
Q: How do you make your wife scream louder?
A: Fuck her in the ass and THEN wipe your dick on the curtains
119. Q: How many babies does it take to tile a roof?
A: Twenty if you slice them thin enough.
118. Q: What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid who got cancer for Xmas get for his birthday?
A: Nothing, he died.
117. Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
116. Q: How do you make a horse drink?
A: Put it in a blender
115. Q: What do you call a 300 pound woman?
A: Fat
114. Q: Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
A: They keep falling through the holes in his hands
113. Q: What do a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?
A: By the time you've finished on the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box for the bone.
112. Q: How does a faget fake an orgasm?
A: Pour yogurt on his partners back.
111. Q: Two fagets were having sex and a fire started in their house, which one escaped first - the one on the bottom or the one on top?
A: The one on the bottom, cos he's shit was already packed.
110. Q: What do you call an Ethiopian taking a shit?
A: A show-off
109. Q: What is worse than 10 dead babies in a garbage can?
A: One dead baby in a ten garbage cans
108. Q: What is worse than a dead baby in a garbage can?
A: Ten dead babies in a garbage can
107. Q: What did Dodi say to his chaffeur?
A: "Do you want to come to Paris with me and Di?"
106. Q: Why did God invent lesbianism?
A: So feminists couldn't breed.
105. Q: What is the difference between Jews in Nazi Germany and school bullies after the outcasts' takeover?
A: The bullies deserve it!
104. Q: On the highway there are a dead rat and a dead school bully. What is the difference?
A: There are skid marks in front of the rat!
103. Q: What did Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold have in common with the Columbine cheerleaders?
A: They all made the jocks run faster!
102. Q: How do you get a leper out of a bath?
A: With a shovel.
101. Q: What do you call six wheelchairs on top of each other?
A: A vegetable rack.
100. Q: What's the difference between a lesbian and a Pringle?
A: One is a snack cracker, the other is a crack snacker.
99. Q: What's the difference between a mugger and a peeping Tom?
A: A mugger snatches watches
98. Q: Why would a guy give his wife a pair of slippers and a dildo for her birthday? A: Because if she doesn't like the slippers she can go and fuck herself.
97. Q: What is the definition of disgusting?
A: Siamese twins joined by the mouth, and one throws up.
96. Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
A: His wife died.
95. Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
94. Q: What's the difference between E.T. and a Mexican?
A: E.T. got the message and went home.
93. Q: What do you do with a one legged dog?
A:Take it for a drag.
92. Q: How many L.A:P.D. police officers does it take to beat the hell out of a gang member?
A: None, he fell down.
91. Q: What does a redneck call safe sex?
A: Marking the sheep that kick.
Fear - March 7, 2006 02:55 AM (GMT)
lmfao
Sex Positions
In the Sex Ed class the teacher says, "All right, class, I want you to go
home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for
making sex."
The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back, "Well, John, how many
positions did you come up with?"
Johnny says, "Seventy-three."
The teacher says, "Oh, my goodness...uh...very good, John, very good..."
She calls on Becky in the front and says, "All right, Becky, how about
you?"
Becky says, "Gee, teacher, I only came up with one...where the guy just
lays on top of the girl."
Johnny yells, "Seventy-four."
Johnny The Gambler
Little Johnny's dad was a retired gambler. Having picked up a few of his old man's bad habits, Johnny wagered on anything and everything, and he was good at it. Eventually, it became such a problem, that Johnny's teacher called his father to discuss it. After a long conversation, they decided to teach him a lesson.
One day after class Johnny approached his teacher. "You're not really blonde," he said. "I've seen your bush and it's pitch black, you dye your hair."
"I most certainly do not," she replied.
"I bet you ten bucks you do," he said.
She saw that this was an opportunity to teach him a lesson, so she waited for all the other children to leave the class and took off her pants, showing him that her pubic hair was the same color as the hair on her head. Johnny paid her the ten dollars and walked sullenly out of the room.
A few hours later Johnny's teacher called his father. "I think I finally taught him a lesson," she said.
"The hell you have," his father said angrily. "This morning he bet me $50 he'd see your vagina before the end of the day."
Going To The Toilet
During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "
Sex Positions
In the Sex Ed class the teacher says, "All right, class, I want you to go
home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for
making sex."
The next day she says to Little Johnny in the back, "Well, John, how many
positions did you come up with?"
Johnny says, "Seventy-three."
The teacher says, "Oh, my goodness...uh...very good, John, very good..."
She calls on Becky in the front and says, "All right, Becky, how about
you?"
Becky says, "Gee, teacher, I only came up with one...where the guy just
lays on top of the girl."
Johnny yells, "Seventy-four."
Johnny The Gambler
Little Johnny's dad was a retired gambler. Having picked up a few of his old man's bad habits, Johnny wagered on anything and everything, and he was good at it. Eventually, it became such a problem, that Johnny's teacher called his father to discuss it. After a long conversation, they decided to teach him a lesson.
One day after class Johnny approached his teacher. "You're not really blonde," he said. "I've seen your bush and it's pitch black, you dye your hair."
"I most certainly do not," she replied.
"I bet you ten bucks you do," he said.
She saw that this was an opportunity to teach him a lesson, so she waited for all the other children to leave the class and took off her pants, showing him that her pubic hair was the same color as the hair on her head. Johnny paid her the ten dollars and walked sullenly out of the room.
A few hours later Johnny's teacher called his father. "I think I finally taught him a lesson," she said.
"The hell you have," his father said angrily. "This morning he bet me $50 he'd see your vagina before the end of the day."
Going To The Toilet
During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "
Talksick - March 14, 2006 01:09 AM (GMT)
wow, you guys have a lot of jokes don't you, i have some and here they are:
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. (Hint: they are small enough to fit inside)
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a British
Naval ship and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 95. Radio
conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations. 10 - 10 - 95:
IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a
collision.
BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to
avoid a collision.
IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.
IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.
BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA. THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES
NORTH, OR COUNTER- MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF
THIS SHIP.
IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
Q: How do you stop a Paki tank?
A: You shoot the people pushing it.
Q: How do you sink a Paki submarine?
A: You put it in water.
Q: How do you stop a Paki missile?
A: You snap the rubberband.
A concerned patient asked the doctor if masturbation is harmful.
"Not usually," answered the doctor. "Not unless you do it too often."
"How about three times a day?" the patient asked.
"That seems a little excessive. Why don't you get a girlfriend?"
"Oh,... I already have a girlfriend," the patient replied.
"I mean a girl you can live with and have sex with?" asked the doctor.
The patient said, "I've got one just like that!"
So the doctor asked, "Then why do you masturbate three times a day?"
"Because,... she won't have sex during mealtimes!"
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. (Hint: they are small enough to fit inside)
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a British
Naval ship and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 95. Radio
conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations. 10 - 10 - 95:
IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a
collision.
BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to
avoid a collision.
IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.
IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.
BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA. THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES
NORTH, OR COUNTER- MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF
THIS SHIP.
IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
Q: How do you stop a Paki tank?
A: You shoot the people pushing it.
Q: How do you sink a Paki submarine?
A: You put it in water.
Q: How do you stop a Paki missile?
A: You snap the rubberband.
A concerned patient asked the doctor if masturbation is harmful.
"Not usually," answered the doctor. "Not unless you do it too often."
"How about three times a day?" the patient asked.
"That seems a little excessive. Why don't you get a girlfriend?"
"Oh,... I already have a girlfriend," the patient replied.
"I mean a girl you can live with and have sex with?" asked the doctor.
The patient said, "I've got one just like that!"
So the doctor asked, "Then why do you masturbate three times a day?"
"Because,... she won't have sex during mealtimes!"
Fear - March 25, 2006 09:14 PM (GMT)
where do you get all these jokes GC?
Headshot - May 9, 2006 08:58 PM (GMT)
WE NEED MORE JOKES. So here is one to start this thread of again.
>A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he suddenly realizes it s a gay bar.
>What the heck," he says to himself, " But I really want A drink "
>When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy,
>"What's the name Of your willy?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into
>any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but
>I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine, for
>instance, is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.'
>That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It Really >Satisfies.' "
>The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give Him a
>second to think it over.
>So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his Left who is sipping on a beer,
>"Hey bud, what's the
>name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
>The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it
>takes a
>lickin' and keeps On tickin!'
>A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen
>to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says,
>"So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly
>exclaims,
>"FORD, because "Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford
>lately?"
>The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!" And
>gives a wink!
>Even more shaken, the cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes
>Up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and
>exclaims
>"The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
>The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look
>asks "Why Secret?"
>The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A
>WOMAN !!!!!!"
Now post!
>A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he suddenly realizes it s a gay bar.
>What the heck," he says to himself, " But I really want A drink "
>When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy,
>"What's the name Of your willy?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into
>any of that. All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but
>I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine, for
>instance, is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.'
>That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It Really >Satisfies.' "
>The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give Him a
>second to think it over.
>So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his Left who is sipping on a beer,
>"Hey bud, what's the
>name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
>The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it
>takes a
>lickin' and keeps On tickin!'
>A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen
>to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says,
>"So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly
>exclaims,
>"FORD, because "Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford
>lately?"
>The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!" And
>gives a wink!
>Even more shaken, the cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes
>Up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and
>exclaims
>"The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
>The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look
>asks "Why Secret?"
>The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A
>WOMAN !!!!!!"
Now post!
Lovemonk - May 14, 2006 12:03 AM (GMT)
How do you know when you have high sperm count?
The missus has to chew before she swallows.
The missus has to chew before she swallows.
Sly Fox - May 16, 2006 11:12 PM (GMT)
how do you know when you're going to have a bad day?
your cereal goes: --snop packle and crap--
your cereal goes: --snop packle and crap--
DZigner - December 3, 2006 10:15 AM (GMT)
| QUOTE (Lovemonk @ May 14 2006, 12:03 AM) |
| How do you know when you have high sperm count? The missus has to chew before she swallows. |
lol
kiz-the-psychotic - May 7, 2008 12:36 AM (GMT)
Why did the Clown cross the road?
To get to your children.
To get to your children.
Mjohnmj - May 13, 2008 03:29 AM (GMT)
lol
EDIT(Clown): Hey, hey kid?
Fuck off.
EDIT(Clown): Hey, hey kid?
Fuck off.
kiz-the-psychotic - May 15, 2008 11:21 PM (GMT)
Whats long hard and full of seamen?
My cock.
My cock.
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:)
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