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It all started when our antagonizing protagonist, Conor O'sullivan, woke up in a swamp. It was the second time it had happened. Feeling abundantly exasperated, Conor O'sullivan backhanded a wolverine, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, he realized that his beloved jamies pignose (piece of shit) was missing! Immediately he called his favorite rape victim, jamie pridemore. Conor O'sullivan had known jamie pridemore for (plus or minus) 61 years, the majority of which were electric ones. jamie pridemore was unique. He was intelligent though sometimes a little... oafish. Conor O'sullivan called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
jamie pridemore picked up to a very nervous Conor O'sullivan. jamie pridemore calmly assured him that most long-haired sea monkeys cringe before mating, yet spotted wolf hamsters usually flamboyantly sneeze *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Conor O'sullivan. Why was jamie pridemore trying to distract Conor O'sullivan? Because he had snuck out from Conor O'sullivan's with the jamies pignose (piece of shit) only five days prior. It was a enticing little jamies pignose (piece of shit)... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Conor O'sullivan got back to the subject at hand: his jamies pignose (piece of shit). jamie pridemore cringed. Relunctantly, jamie pridemore invited him over, assuring him they'd find the jamies pignose (piece of shit). Conor O'sullivan grabbed his whale and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, jamie pridemore realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the jamies pignose (piece of shit) and he had to do it carefully. He figured that if Conor O'sullivan took the homemade car, he had take at least seven minutes before Conor O'sullivan would get there. But if he took the ford fiesta? Then jamie pridemore would be alarmingly screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, jamie pridemore was interrupted by six stupid ian beales that were lured by his jamies pignose (piece of shit). jamie pridemore sighed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling stunned, he thoughtfully reached for his dull pencil and carefully grabbed every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fanstic pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the ford fiesta rolling up. It was Conor O'sullivan.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at The Salvation Army to pick up a 12-pack of carrots, so he knew he was running late. With a calculated leap, Conor O'sullivan was out of the ford fiesta and went surreptitiously jaunting toward jamie pridemore's front door. Meanwhile inside, jamie pridemore was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the jamies pignose (piece of shit) into a box of gerbils and then slid the box behind his hammock. jamie pridemore was frustrated but at least the jamies pignose (piece of shit) was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' jamie pridemore charismatically purred. With a quick push, Conor O'sullivan opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted noble genius in a homemade car,' he lied. 'It's fine,' jamie pridemore assured him. Conor O'sullivan took a seat alarmingly close to where jamie pridemore had hidden the jamies pignose (piece of shit). jamie pridemore turned red trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Conor O'sullivan was distracted. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, jamie pridemore noticed a clueless look on Conor O'sullivan's face. Conor O'sullivan slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
jamie pridemore felt a stabbing pain in his scalp when Conor O'sullivan asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the jamies pignose (piece of shit) right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A clueless look started to form on Conor O'sullivan's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's potatos from when she used to have pet Indonesian devil cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Conor O'sullivan nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before jamie pridemore could react, Conor O'sullivan thoughtfully lunged toward the box and opened it. The jamies pignose (piece of shit) was plainly in view.
Conor O'sullivan stared at jamie pridemore for what what must've been nine seconds. Before anyone could take off their pants, jamie pridemore groped wildly in Conor O'sullivan's direction, clearly desperate. Conor O'sullivan grabbed the jamies pignose (piece of shit) and bolted for the door. It was locked. jamie pridemore let out a eccentric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Conor O'sullivan,' he rebuked. jamie pridemore always had been a little selfish, so Conor O'sullivan knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before jamie pridemore did something crazy, like... start chucking wolverines at him or something. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, he gripped his jamies pignose (piece of shit) tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
jamie pridemore looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Conor O'sullivan. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Conor O'sullivan. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. jamie pridemore walked over to the window and looked down. Conor O'sullivan was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Conor O'sullivan was struggling to make his way through the secret vineyard behind jamie pridemore's place. Conor O'sullivan had severely hurt his armpit during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral ian beales suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the jamies pignose (piece of shit). One by one they latched on to Conor O'sullivan. Already weakened from his injury, Conor O'sullivan yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of ian beales running off with his jamies pignose (piece of shit).
About four hours later, Conor O'sullivan awoke, his armpit throbbing. It was dark and Conor O'sullivan did not know where he was. Deep in the mysterious secret vineyard, Conor O'sullivan was alarmingly lost. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, he remembered that his jamies pignose (piece of shit) was taken by the ian beales. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a misshapen ian beale emerged from the lemur-infested moor. It was the alpha ian beale. Conor O'sullivan opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the ian beale sunk its teeth into Conor O'sullivan's kidney. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Conor O'sullivan's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than four miles away, jamie pridemore was entombed by anguish over the loss of the jamies pignose (piece of shit). 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened live hand grenade. With a hasty thrust, he buried it deeply into his prostate. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Conor O'sullivan... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the jamies pignose (piece of shit) that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant ian beales, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
LOLz!!1
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