74
Crusty Gets Belly Ache
(aw! And On His Birthday Too!)
The journey by bus took a couple of hours, but luckily it was air conditioned so the trip was pleasant, and once they'd reached their destination by the sea, the air was a little cooler so Crusty put the overworked OBJ back on again, poor bugger!
The cruise liner was already docked and ready for the passenger intake, and Crusty and Bel boarded the beautiful white ship. Crusty was totally unaware of it, but this was from the Olympia Shipping Company and was the finest in the fleet.
Once aboard they were shown to their cabins, which were adjoined with a connecting door. Bel had gone overboard (sorry, no pun intended) when booking, and had secured two cabins with portholes otherwise Crusty would have gone stir crazy without a window to gawp through!
She knew he'd only start wailing and kick up a fuss again, so she beat him to the punch before she gave him a punch!
It had been a long day, so Bel told Crusty to dress up nice for dinner then they could go and eat in the cafeteria. She didn't dare take him into the first class dining hall. Not yet anyway!
His idea of "dressing for dinner" was his smelly old brown pants, which were two inches too short, a rust-coloured creased shirt, his white plimmies and - altogether now - TH'OWD BLACK JACKET!!
White plimmies?
That's what he called them, but in actual fact they'd started life as a pair of black plastic shoes with silver buckles. Can you remember them from way back? Well, they'd started to look a little shabby even by Crusty's standards, and he’d had a bit of white gloss paint left over from a long ago decorating job, so he painted them.
He thought they looked like the cat's whiskers, but they looked more like the dog's dinner!
They met outside in the corridor and, when she saw him, she shoved him straight back into his cabin and started ferreting about amongst all his rubbish. After a minute or two she found what she'd been looking for.
A tie!
She rounded on him.
"Is this the only bluddy tie ya've fetched wi' ya, ya gormless looking owd barrel o' turds?"
"Wossup now Bel? Wossup wi' that tie?"
"Wossup wi' it? I'll bluddy strangle ya wi' it!"
"Givvit here Bel and I'll pur'it on if that's wot ya wants!"
"Givvit back y'owd squawk box! I'm not being seen wi' thee in that bluddy monstrosity!"
"Why? Wossup wi' it?"
"Well, for a start it's an owd-fashioned kipper tie. Ya must've getten this in't 1960s!"
"And?"
The look she gave him made him wince, and his eyes watered in anticipation of what she might do to him.
"And, it's gor’a picture of bluddy owd Goofy on it! That's wot's wrong wi' it! Have ya got no idea how people act when they're normal? Ya'll not see anybody else wi' a Goofy tie on, on this ship ya daft sod!"
"Sorry Bel!"
"I'd a feelin' ya'd do summat daft like this so, luckily, I'm one step ahead of ya for once. Here, get this on instead!"
While she'd been yelling at him she'd nipped through the connecting door into her own cabin and had found the tie she thought she just might need on an occasion such as this.
He took the black tie from her and put it on around his scummy neck.
"Fasten yer top button first ya daft bugger. It favvers bluddy weel like that!"
"Bur'it'll choke me Bel!" he squawked.
"I'LL choke ya if ya don't!"
Eventually, she got him in reasonable condition and they both wobbled off to the cafeteria for a meal.
The following morning Crusty was bouncing about in his "sailor" outfit, but Bel just ignored it. She was fed up of his daft outfits, but she knew he'd only go into a sulk if she reprimanded him yet again about it.
They had a stroll up on deck and then went to the cafe again for their breakfasts. People would turn to stare at his clothes everywhere they went, but Crusty was having a ball. All the food he could eat was readily available and he didn't have to pay anything at all.
Bel had given him some Drachmas for his spending money, but he told her he didn't like this Dracula money as he didn't understand it, and with that he'd lolloped off on his own for a spin round the ship.
Now, I know you think by now that you know what's coming on this holiday, but I can assure you, you don't!
Not in a million years, but you'll have to wait till the next chapter to find out!
After they'd been at sea for three days Crusty got "seasick" but it was his own fault. The sea was like a millpond and there wasn't even the hint of a breeze. It was wonderful. The reason he got seasick was because he constantly stuffed his face with all kinds of foods that he'd never eaten before.
He tried some of the Greek foods. Well, he'd had German food, Scottish food, Indian food so why not try some Greek?
Why not indeed!
He had the stifado, which is meat with onions, that he thought was most tasteyful. He even tried a Greek salad and the taramasalata, which is contrary to his religion, but decided that as it was free he didn't have to eat it if he didn't like it.
All was fine for another day, but the next thing he tried was the one dish that sent his digestive system into a complete turmoil.
It was breakfast on their birthdays and he and Bel sat facing one another at the table and both were studying their menus.
"Bel, while I'm thinkin' on. Did ya ever read that new menu that they made up in our caff at home?"
Our caff?
She was busy reading and only half heard him.
"Wot new menu's that lad?"
"That menu wi' all them nasty things on it!"
She put her menu down and removed her glasses.
"I don't know wot yer talkin' about owd lad. I never authorised a new menu and Jim always comes to see me if he wants to make any changes!"
Crusty started fishing about in the pockets of the old black jacket and came out with a crumpled piece of paper in his hand, putting his lucky kipper to one side.
"This is it Bel. Neh you just read that. It were just after me arse had caught fire. I thowt it were a'norrible thing to do to an owd mon!"
She took the tatty piece of paper off him and began to read.
All of a sudden a short burst of laughter came from her mouth as she tried to hold it in. Then another, and another until she was braying laughing and cackling so loudly that the other diners turned to see what was happening.
She took out her handkerchief and wiped her eyes.
"Wor’a bluddy shame! Me poor owd pigmy! Well Crusty, it's the first time I've seen this an'a must admit it's bluddy funny. I know it's not funny for you owd pey yed, bur'it's still bluddy funny! Ha! Bar-b-qued Arse Cutlets!"
With that she started braying again.
"I'll tell ya which is me favourite, shall I Crusty?"
"If ya must Bel!" he said, miserable again.
"This one's't best. Singed Arse End of Pigmy! It's a bluddy cracker that one. Mind you I like this 'un an' all. Crusticle Kebabs with Chilli Sarse! Wor’a bluddy stormer thar'is! They're all good but that first one's definitely the best!"
"Glad yer enjoying it Bel!"
"Sorry lad! I'm sorry for laffin, burra cawn't help it! Oh look! Char-Grilled Arseholes! Brilliant! I'll find out who's done this when we get back. Whoever it is deserves a bluddy prize for summat or another!"
They picked up their Greek menus again and settled back to study. Crusty was determined to have something different because today it was their birthdays, but of course he didn't understand any of what he was reading, and he didn't care.
They'd decided not to buy each other any presents while they were aboard, but when they got to Rhodes they'd be able to have a good look round the nice shops.
Anyway, the waiter came just then and they placed their orders. Bel had toast with feta cheese, which is made from goat's milk, and she had orange juice and a cup of tea. Then she had double helpings each of bacon, sausage, beans, mushrooms, tomatoes and slices of fried bread and another cup of tea.
Crusty chose the kalamari, despite Bel telling him he shouldn't!
"No Bel! I want to try all these Greasy foods that the Greasy people eat. If it's good enough for them, it's good enough for me!"
"It's not Greasy, it's Greek!"
"I know Bel. It's all Greek to me an' all bur’am doin' me best!"
"I know lad burra don't think kalamari'll suit ya, especially for yer brekkie. Don't ya know woritis? It's ....."
"No Bel, an'a don't care. I want kalamari!!"
He stamped his feet, so she kicked him under the table to shut him up.
He got the kalamari, despite Bel protesting against what he'd ordered, and she told him that he'd be better off with the bacon and sausage like she was having. But Crusty would have none of it.
As soon as it was served up to him he tucked in greedily and took a huge bite.
Slowly, inexorably, he started to chew on the kalamari and it took him a good five minutes to chew his first forkful enough for him to swallow it.
Then he started wailing again.
"Bel, Bel, it's bluddy chewy this food. It's like trying't gnaw through a pair o' me knickers. Bluddy salty too! Worisit?"
"Neh don't start. I tried to warn ya that ya wouldn't like it!"
"Yeh, but worisit?"
She started sniggering at him.
"Kalamari, Crusty, is squid, and before ya ask wor’a squid is, it's like an octopus!"
Octopus?
Then it dawned.
Crusty went red, then yellow, then green. He favvered a set of traffic lights! He leapt out of his chair and ran all the way to the toilets and dry heaved. He couldn't be sick which is much worse. He was there for about half an hour so Bel went in search of him, with Stavros in tow.
"Meester Nibbles sicky poo Mees Leekey? Why Meester Nibbles sicky poo?"
"Kalamari!"
"Ah kalamari, ees very good, yes?"
"No it's not. Not for Crusty anyway!"
"No, no Mees Leekey, kalamari not even a leetle beet crusty. Ees not crusty at all! Maybe a leetle chewy and a leetle salty, yes!"
She didn't even attempt to explain.
Poor Stavros was scurrying alongside Bel trying to keep up with her long strides, and trying to understand how Meester Nibbles could be sick from the beautiful kalamari that his fishing family caught fresh each day in their nets back home!
Happy Birthday Dear Crusty!
Happy Birthday To You!!
For the remainder of the day he took to his bed, pale and shaking at having chewed a lump of octopus. I do believe that this is the first thing that Crusty has ever actually felt sick from after eating just a small mouthful. He hadn't liked the haggis on his trip to Scotland once he'd been told what was in it, but he'd eaten it nevertheless.
Crustabel quite enjoyed the rest of the morning and part of the afternoon walking around the many decks of the ship and seeing all the entertainments that were on offer.
At six o'clock she returned to her cabin for a rest and checked in on Crusty.
He was panned out on the bed snorting like an adenoidal pig, his mouth wide open, which was devoid of teeth. Quietly, she took her camera from her bag and took some snaps of the gaping hole he called a gob and his huge nose which, from this angle, looked like a two-seater lav.
She snickered as she snapped.
Snap, snap, snicker, snicker!
Then, she nipped into her own cabin via the adjoining door and took out some hair gel that she occasionally used, and returned to the sleeping Crusty. She squirted a little of the gel on the tips of her fingers and gently eased it through Crusty's eight strands until each were standing up like the spikes round the Statue of Liberty's head, and carried on snapping.
Little did she know that he resembled the crayon drawing he drew of himself ages ago when he'd broken Soreen's mirror. The poster of Mel Gibson was still smiling down and it had never occurred to her to remove it to see if there was anything else behind on the backboard.
When she'd finished snapping she woke him gently by squeezing his throat till his eyes popped out.
He woke up rubbing his eyes and throat.
"G'mornin' Bel! Is it time for me brekkie?"
"It's not tomorrer yet Crusty, it's still today!"
"Wot day?"
"It's still our birthdays. Now come on wi' ya and ger'up out of yer pit and get yerself ready for yer din-dins! It's a special occasion and we've been invited to dine at the Captain's table tonight, so ya've got to wear yer most bestest clothes!"
Oh, oh!
This wasn't going to be easy, but Bel had a plan!
"Reet Bel. I'll look me most smartest ya've ever seen me an'a promise on me honour I'll not let ya down this time."
Do I detect an element of doubt from you readers?
"Okay. For once I'll trust ya. Now go an' ger’a shower and take yer time gerrin yerself all spruced up. We have to be at the table for quarter to eight and don't forget, your very bestest clothes!"
"Bur'it only teks me ten minutes to get ready Bel!"
"Not tonight it doesn't!"
"Well how will I fill me time in Bel?"
"Do everything double slowly that ya'd normally do, and then do it all o'er again until yer all scrubbed up pink and shiny and clean! Well, as pink as ya can be seein' as ya come from the Sandwich Islands!"
"Okay Bel, will do!"
An hour and a half later Bel tapped on Crusty's door and when he opened it she had the shock of her life.
He'd been startled when he'd seen his hair through the mirror and wondered how it had got all spiked up like that, but he'd soon sorted it out. Bel would kill him if he went to the Captain's table looking like Beryl the Peril!
"Wot the bluddy hell hast getten on this time?"
He started ducking and cringing again, then went and hid between the bed and the wall, bony knees knocking together in fear.
Suddenly Bel felt truly sorry for him. She shouldn't frighten him like that!!
Her voice softened, for once.
"Come out o' there owd lad. I'm not goin't paste ya. I don't think I've ever seen ya looking so nice, in a monkeyfied sort o' way!"
Talk about a backhanded compliment.
The grin cut his face in half again.
"Wot d'ya think Bel? Do I look okay?"
"Ya look brilliant owd lad. Ya see wot ya can achieve when yer nor'acting daft?"
He was wearing the new old black jacket bought for him by Michael with Bel's money, which fitted perfectly on both shoulders, and everywhere else. He was also wearing the rest of the outfit Bel had chosen to go with it for him. He had on the crisp white shirt and black trousers, which had knife-edge creases running down the front and back. He was even wearing his new shoes and expensive socks which Bel had purchased in London some while ago, and this was the first time he'd worn them so they were totally sweat free and not a sound of squelching could be heard.
For the first time since she met him, Bel was proud!
"Well by the heck! Ya look almost human for once. There's only one or two little giveaways that yer not!"
"Ta Bel. I thowt ya'd be pleased to see me dressed up like I'm gooin' to a monkey's tay party. Will everybody else be wearing nice clothes an' all?"
"Well in a manner of speaking. The Captain will be wearing his sailor's outfit."
Crusty slapped a hairy hand across his forehead.
"I never thowt Bel. I could've put my sailor's outfit on toneet an' all then we'd've looked the same!"
"Er, not quite."
"Will I go an' change then Bel? Ickle only tek a minute or two!"
"No lad, ya looks brilliant as y'are!"
Crustabel proudly escorted the pigmy to the first class dining hall, sure in the knowledge that because he'd taken the trouble to dress up, he wouldn't do anything daft this time, also believing that clothes maketh the man.
Yeh, but what happens when you're a cross between a pig and a monkey?
"Bel? Can ya remind me why ya calls me a pigmy?"
"Of course lad. D'ya not remember a bit back when we came to the conclusion that yer a cross between a pig an' a monkey?"
"Yis Bel!"
"Well if ya recalls we got pigmy from the pig, as in pig, and the m y which are the first and last letters of monkey. Pigmy! Remember now?"
"Oh aye!"
On seeing the beautifully laid table Crusty immediately started peyling around it in circles looking at everything. He could make his cafe tables nice like this with napkins, candles, beautiful crystal glasses and exquisite bone china crockery, and big "bunches" of flowers in the middle!!
He'd speak to Bel on their return to England.
Bel groaned inwardly watching him tear-arse around all over the place. The other well-heeled passengers were agog at his behaviour and gave her withering looks. However, for once, she practised restraint and just smiled sweetly then tried to jolly everything along by telling them that this was Crusty's first time at the Captain's table and that he was a couple of slates short of a roof.
Nobody was surprised, but they did feel sorry for this poor old soul with an apparent mental age of about five.
She belted after him and, grabbing him by the scruff, found his seat and pushed him in it.
She bent down so that her mouth was about a quarter of an inch from his cauliflower ear.
"Neh lissen thee. Don't speyk unless yer spokken to. Copy wor'I do when yer aytein'. Copy wor'everybody does for that matter! No fartin' allowed. No belching or barfing. No hanching yer grub back and definitely no grumphing. If the Captain speaks to ya, I'LL answer him, not you. I'll tell him ya've lost yer voice, so no bluddy squawkin'. GOR'IT?"
Crusty's head was bobbing up and down in understanding. He could tell by the way his Bel was talking to him that she meant it, and that he would get a good hiding this time if he misbehaved. He could tell this was posh so he would try to eat more like a human being and not make any piggy noises.
He sighed. He couldn't help the way he was. He wondered if God would help him out again. Perhaps He could show him the way to eat and speak beautifully but let's face it, that wouldn't really be our Crusty, now would it?
Crusty was about to start singing "A Life on the Ocean Wave..." when the announcement was made that the Captain was in the dining hall.
Everyone stood, except Crusty.
"Ger'up!" whispered Bel across the table.
"Bur'ave nor'etten yet Bel!" he whispered back.
"GER'UP!"
The Captain stood at the table with the rest of them and bade them a good evening then he sat.
Then everyone else sat, except Crusty.
"Siddown!" whispered Bel, putting her index finger to her lips to remind him to stay quiet.
Crusty sat.
Then the Captain rose from his chair again and went round to where Bel was sitting.
Crusty stood as well and went round to where Bel was sitting.
"Crusty sit down, there's a dear!" said Bel smiling.
He scampered back into his seat again legs crossed, both off the floor.
"Bel my dear. Eet ees so good to see you again after all these years! Welcome aboard my sheep!"
Sheep? Crusty was puzzled again.
"Thank you so much Cristos. You are looking exceedingly well. May I introduce you to my friend here, Crusty Nibbleswick. Unfortunately, he's temporarily lost his voice so can't speak to you tonight! Crusty this is Captain Cristos Theopopolous!"
Theo -plop -plop -plus -plop -plus? Plop!
"But thees is such a shame that you cannot talk, and today is birthday, yes? Perhaps our doctor can be of assistance, yes? And now, eet ees time for the great eatings! Crusty, my friend, you look as if you enjoy the great eatings, no?"
Crusty's head started bobbing up and down again, but stayed quiet as instructed. Oh yes, he enjoyed the great eatings.
People then started to relax and chatted to each other and the Captain, in turn, spoke to all his guests about this and that.
They were in the middle of the main course when it came Crusty's turn again and the Captain, a big beaming man, asked how he came to know Bel. However, on realising that Crusty couldn't speak he turned his question to Bel instead.
She told him of the time when they'd first met at the Club's fancy dress do when Crusty had gone as a "squashbuckler", and of the rest of that evening's events. She also told him of other things that had happened to them both since and the Captain, and his guests, were riveted by her tales.
A most interesting orator, our Crustabel!
As he "couldn't speak", Crusty was just enjoying eating his food, but because he thought nobody was watching, he started gobbling and hanching his food back, reverting to the typical.
"Grumph!"
"What was that? I heard odd sound. Did anyone else hear odd sound?"
They all shook their heads, so turned back to Bel who continued her rhetoric.
"Grumph, gobble, snort!"
Crusty suddenly realised that he was making noises, and saw that everyone was looking at him, especially Bel!
"Oops, sorry about that. It looks like I've getten me voice back. I thowt I could feel it comin' up in me throat. That's why I made them funny sounds. Me name's Crusty by the way. Hiya Captain Thee-op-plop-plus-plop. Ar't alreet owd fettler? I likes yer fancy costume. I've getten one a bit like that, haven't I Bel? It's in me cabin so if ya like I'll pur'it on tomorrer an' we can see who looks t'nicest. Wor'about it owd lad? Wot d'ya say Bel?"
Bel didn't say anything.
Not then.
Not there.
Not till much, much later!
"This grub's bluddy good Bel, in't it?"
He lifted his left cheek off the dining chair.
Paaarip, brrrrip, blobble!
"Oops, sorry Bel!"
Much, much later.
© Mollie M
23.07.02