76
Crusty Carries Out The Lord's Instructions
(and Looks Forward to his Next Jaunt)
He droveth over to Bel's house without hasteth and wasted no time once he'd reached her front door.
Thumpeth, thumpeth, thumpeth, rrrrrringeth!
"If that's thee tha' can bog off!"
"No it's not Thee, Bel, it's me. Please open't door Bel. God said I had to come to ya and do summat in front of ya!"
"Eh?"
She opened the door and there he stood; unwashed, unkemp, owd black jacket askew as usual, the right shoulder of which was scraping along the ground yet again.
She glared at him and could see he'd been crying and her heart softened, just for a moment. She graciously invited him in by grabbing his throat and dragging him through her front door, then she clod him into the living room.
Yes her heart had softened, but it was only for a moment.
"Wot were it ya said?"
"God towd me't come to ya and do summat in front of ya Bel?"
"Wot d'ya mean, God said?"
"Welleth, we were havin' a chatteth like we do sometime and I were upsetteth 'cos I'd getten in mischief again when we were on't boat. I asked him if he could maketh me ayteth and speyketh proper bur'He said I had fot come here firsteth!"
"Wor'at speykin' bluddy daft like that for?"
"Sorry Bel!"
She shook her head as she marvelled at the way his brain, or lack of one, could imagine something like that. She decided to go along and humour him for the time being.
"Alreet then. Worisit He said ya had to do?"
Crusty got down on his old knees and then he took a carving knife out of the long inside pocket of his owd black jacket. Then he started to unzip his pants and started fumbling around inside in search of the ever elusive Mister Floppy
Bel's eyeballs leapt out of their sockets.
"Howd up a bit. Neh worra ya doing? Yer not gerrin Mister Floppy out are ya? Leave the poor little bugger where he is!"
"I'm sorry Bel bur'it's wor'He said I had to do."
She couldn't believe this.
"Well before ya do Flash Harry, tell me EXACTLY the words He used, assuming He spoke to you at all. I want you to tell me EXACTLY and don't miss anything out!"
Crusty never did learn his lines properly even when he was an "actor" with the local HamDram Theatre, so he creased his brow into deep furrows while he tried to remember.
"I remembers now Bel. I'll tell ya exactertackerly wor'He said. Wor'He said were, tharra had to ger'in me horseless carriage and wendeth me way to Crustabel the Mighty and then I had to castrate meself in front o' ya and beg for pens and tents. That's why I browt this carving knife wi' me! Will I get Mister Floppy out now Bel?"
Wor'a bluddy shame!
Bel fell back into her armchair in peels of laughter. She laughed so hard that her eyes were streaming and all her fat jiggled and wobbled. Each time she'd thought she'd got her laughter under control she'd set off again in fits of giggles.
"Oh Crusty yer a gormless, witless, pey brained owd pigmy! He didn't say that. I know wor'He meant. Wor'He meant were ya were to come here and PROSTRATE yerself in front o' me, not castrate yerself. And He towd ya to beg for PENITENCE, not pens and tents ya daft sod. Is that bluddy hearing aid on't blink again?"
Just then she realised what she was saying.
"Oh. So I don't have't cut Mister Floppy off then do I not Bel!"
She was so sorely tempted.
"No ya daft owd duffer. There's nor'enough of it to cut off any road up! Crusty now I want ya to tell me the truth. The God's honest truth now. God didn't really talk to ya, did He lad? It was just all in your imagination wasn't it?"
"Oh no Bel no. I've not gor'an imagination tharra know of. He definitely spoke to me, 'cos I heard him! Big boomin' voice He's getten!"
"Alreet then, have it yer own way. I must admit when ya thumped and rang at me door I were goin't give ya a good pelt, but now that ya've given me a bluddy good laugh we'll call it quits. Cup o' tea?"
"Ta Bel. Ya know Bel, I'm glad me an' Mister Floppy don't have't part company. We've been together a long while now, almost all me life!"
She disappeared into the kitchen, worried about him. God should have explained to Crusty properly anyway. He must have known how daft he is.
She looked up to Heaven.
"Could ya nor'ave explained it all better to the daft owd fart? He nearly cut his owd Mister Floppy off. Then where would he have been without th'owd wrinkly?"
"Question Me not Crustabel the Mighty! Thou shalt prepareth a table in Mine honour with the meat of the chicken fowl and a glass of "Red, Red Wine ... Goes to My Head" I've nor'ad a bluddy good feed in thousands o' years! Sorry about the singing luv burra do like a bit o' reggae!"
Bel jumped. She hadn't expected an answer!
"Get thi' own bluddy grub! Any road, thanks for sending Crusty to me otherwise he'd be lying bleeding to deeth by now, thanks to Thee!"
That was Him well and truly told off!!
She made the tea and while the kettle boiled she was thinking about Crusty's statement that he and God were on first name terms, yet she had just spoken to Him herself. If it were true it could mean only one thing and that Crusty was one of The Chosen Few. Maybe He didn't have a Crusty in His collection or maybe His collection was made up of all ex-Crusties from different times gone by. On the other hand, Crusty had probably lost his marbles once and for all. That was more like it! She had a little smirk to think that He had called her Crustabel the Mighty.
She liked the sound of that.
She took the tea through and looked at him sitting there, looking up at her with big sorrowful eyes. Pathetic! Innocent! Dense! Dim! Pot-bellied! Smelly! Shitty! Grungy! Turdy! Farty!
She stopped herself before she went any further.
"Ta Bel," he said again, taking the mug from her.
"Bel?"
"Worisit lad?"
"Bel, will you teach me how to be proper. I asked God if He'd wave his magic wand bur'He said He weren't Tommy Cooper. Who's Tommy Cooper anyway? D'ya think ya could get through to me Bel?"
"In all honesty owd lad I don't think I could, burrall promise ya something else instead."
"Wot's that Bel?"
"I promise tharrall never tek ya anywhere ever again where there's posh people, how's that!"
"Whew, thanks Bel. Thar'd help a lot. I only want to be meself, and nor'ave to act like a trained monkey!"
She stared at him in disbelief, but said nothing.
"Are ya going to work tomorrer owd lad? It is Monday morning tomorrer don't forget!"
"Oh yeh, I had forgotten Bel. Wot wi' bein' away an' all that I'd forgotten wot day it were. I wish I weren't gooin' though Bel!"
"Why's that then?"
"Well I had a look in me cupboards earlier an'a had't have a tin o' sago an' a tin o' carruts for me tea as I'd nowt else in!"
"Wor'a bluddy shame! I'll tell ya wot then. We'll take a trip to Iceland tomorrer instead. Would ya like that Crusty?"
The big grin returned to his sad old face and he started bouncing up and down again.
"A trip to Iceland Bel? Oh yes please burra ber'it's cowd theer. I've never been to Iceland. Is it far?"
"No it isn't too far owd lad bur'it is cowd. Neh then, off ya go and ger'a good night's sleep an' I'll pick yer up tomorrer morning, about nine, okay?"
"Brilliant, thanks again Bel, for everything."
Happy again, the moment he got home he put some washing powder into the Crustamatic and started it on a hot cycle to get all the filth and grot out of his grungy clothes.
Then he did something completely out of character.
He went upstairs, de-fluffed the Lyril once he'd found it under the bath mat and had a good hot shower, shaved and found his spare pair of teeth which he'd placed in an old tea caddy and which still had loose tea in it! Without cleaning them first he shoved them into his mouth then started spitting all the leaves out. Removing them again he set about holding them in his hands and brushing them down with the toothbrush which had about five bristles left, then once more placed them in his mouth for chomping on.
He grinned at himself in the mirror, false teeth a-gleam. Horrible sight, it was!
Washing finished he then placed the clean clothes in his tumble dryer. What the hell! He wanted his nice clean clothes dried this very night.
He wanted everything ready for when his Bel collected him to go to Iceland tomorrow and cleaned up just in case she came in.
-oo0oo-
Next morning, at nine sharp, Bel hammered on Crusty's door, which he opened immediately. He'd been waiting behind it for when she appeared.
Out he came, carrier bags in hand and, after placing them lovingly in Bel's boot, leapt into the passenger seat. He was dressed in his Sherpa Tensing outfit and Bel gave him the oddest look, but said nothing.
"Can ya fassen me seat belt Bel in case I fall out o't car?"
"Ya'll not fall out ya dipstick. C'm here!"
"Ta Bel."
Once he was fastened in and he'd checked it for safety they set off. Crusty put his crash helmet on, a little ritual he'd started since the Tornado ejected him a while ago in Somerset, got his new colouring book out and quietly crayoned in while Bel drove in peace and quiet.
He didn't want to upset her again.
Half an hour later Bel pulled the car into the car park and stopped the engine and Crusty looked up puzzled.
"Worra we stopping for Bel? Are we stopping for a feed now Bel? We can't be at Iceland already!"
"Yes we are. Come on lad, take yer crash helmet off and we'll get yer carrier bags out o't back!"
He did as he was told and they went to the back of the vehicle where Bel opened up the tailgate and picked up his carrier bags.
"Wor'ave ya gor'in here owd lad?" she asked taking a peek in one of the bags.
"It's me stuff Bel!"
"Wot stuff?"
"Me Iceland stuff! I browt me OBJ 'cos I thowt it might be cowd. This is December after all Bel so I've fetched me warmest clothes. I browt me new owd black jumper an' all, me new old beigey, me cardy, me snack-a-mac for when it rains or snows an' some flannelette vests to keep me lickle chest warm. Oh, an'ave packed me combinations an' all!"
"To keep yer little chest warm? Worra ya talkin' about at all? Hast gone stark starin' bluddy bonkers?"
"I don't think so Bel, not yet anyway burra might do soon. See, look wor'ave gor'ere. I've not forgotten me passport either!"
"Wot the bluddy hell d'ya need yer passport for?"
"Well I thowt Iceland were abroad an' ya've got to have a passport to go abroad don't ya Bel?"
As he was talking it dawned on her.
"Oh my goodness Crusty I am so very, very sorry. Ya've got the wrong end of the stick owd lad. I didn't mean I were takin' ya to the country Iceland. I meant the shop Iceland. Look!"
She pointed to the big sign over the shop door.
Tears welled up in his eyes as he started fishing in his pockets again and brought out a crumpled, dirty envelope.
"But Bel, look. I thowt we were going to Iceland where they have them reindeers and carriages an' snow an' everything an'a were tekkin this wi me."
She took the envelope from him and read the paper inside, tears welling up in her eyes as well.
It was a letter and Bel knew that it must have taken him hours to write it and try to do his spelling the best he could. This is what he'd written.
"Deer Santa
I keep trying to be a good boy burram always gerrin into all sorts o' mischeef burra dont want owt for meself cos I no I dont deserve it burra do want summat for my Bel if thats alreet.... "
She wiped a tear that was forming at her eye, then read on.
".... Worra would like is for her to have the bestest Crustmas of all for havin't purrup wi' me all year round, 'an if ya can help me think of summat reely speshal for her I'd apreshiate it if ya could fetch her summat nice so Im sending a five pound note for her a prezzie. If its nor enuf I'll pay ya next Crustmas. Is thar okay?"
Luv
Yer frend and pigmi
Crusty Nibbleswick
It was heartbreaking wasn't it?
Wasn't it?
Don't be so mean!
Well, anyway, Bel thought it was and felt so sorry for the poor old sod. She popped the letter back into its envelope and put it in her handbag, first removing the five pound note. It was two weeks off Christmas.
"Sorry lad. Never mind, burrall tell ya worrall do. I know Santa's address in Iceland so I'll post it in that big red post box over there. Okay? I've gor'a first class stamp in me purse!"
"Bur'it'll not reach him on time now Bel," he wailed.
"Course it will. Don't you worry! Now, come on lad and let's ger'inside the shop out o't cowd and buy ya some nice things to eat. Come on, stick yer tongue out first!"
His prehensile tongue flopped down onto his chin and Bel swiped the sticky part of the envelope across it then stuck it down and posted it.
Two weeks later Crusty went round to Bel's house as she'd promised to cook him his Christmas dinner for the first time since they met.
He'd put his brand new clothes on and looked a little picture, taking with him some chocolate brazil nuts, which he knew Bel loved.
She opened the door to him with a big smile and gave him a hug as he entered.
"Why didn't ya haul me in by me throat like ya usually do Bel?" he asked with a huge grin on his face.
"Because it's Christmas and we're not going to fight today. No yelling, no pastings, no gerrin into mischief. Reet?"
"Reet Bel," he grinned.
"Come and look wot Santa brought ya Crusty. There's loads of presents under the tree and they're nearly all for you!"
"For me? Why would Santa bring my presents to your house Bel?"
"Don't start asking daft questions again. How would I know? He must've known ya was comin' here for yer dinner, that's all I can think of!"
He dashed into the living room and squatted down cross-legged on the floor ripping paper off the presents like there was no tomorrow.
There was another new pair of trousers in a soft grey wool mixture, a nice black pair of braces, handkerchiefs that he would never use. There was another bottle of aftershave and all sorts of deodorant stuff.
The things that he loved the best though were a bumper sized colouring book, a packet with one hundred different coloured crayons, twelve banana flavoured Curly Wurlies and, joy of joy, a Noddy Goes to Toyland book!
He was in his element.
"But wor'about you Bel? Wot did Santa bring for you?"
"Oh yes, I nearly forgot. Ya know that letter ya sent to Santa? Well, this is wor'e brought me wi' that money ya gave him!"
She went over to the sideboard and showed him a bottle of wine that she'd uncorked.
"A bottle o' wine Bel? Burra knows ya very fussy about the type o' wine ya drinks. Was five pound enough to pay for a good bottle of wine?"
"Oh yes Crusty, it was enough for this. I thought we might drink it with our Christmas dinner. It's really an excellent wine!"
Indeed it was an excellent wine, which Bel had paid the best part of ten pounds for but he would never know the difference!
Bel had bought a ready cooked turkey for the two of them and they tucked into it with the chipolata sausages cooked and rolled in bacon. There was sweet corn, carrots, sprouts and delicious roasted potatoes. Crusty didn't like cranberry sauce so Bel made him gravy instead and Bel ate and Crusty grumphed their way through the turkey until only the skeleton of the twenty-five pound bird remained.
They finished off the bottle of wine between them and then Bel went into the kitchen for the Christmas pudding with brandy sauce.
Crusty sat back for a while rubbing his fat belly and spoke to it gently telling it that there was more to come.
However, he leapt out of his chair with fright when Bel lit the brandy and it flared up.
He was afraid of his arse catching fire again, but he needn't have worried. Bel had taken every precaution and, because she hadn't fed him any peas, she knew it would take a little longer before his backside started exploding again.
To be on the safe side though, she kept a fire extinguisher handy.
You see, she really is soft hearted - every now and then.
© Mollie M
13.08.02